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Jim's Hunting & Outdoor Site

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HUMOR

HUNTERBAG

A Typical Day Hunting...
1:00am
- Alarm clock rings.
2:00am
- Hunting partner arrives, drags you out of bed.
2:30am
- Throw everything except the kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00am
- Leave for the deep woods.
3:15am
- Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30am
- Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00am
- Set up camp - forgot the darn tent.
4:30am
- Head into woods.
6:05am
- See eight deer.
6:06am
- Take aim and squeeze the trigger.
6:07am
- "CLICK"!
6:08am
- Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
7:00am
- Head back to camp...
9:00am
- Still looking for camp...
10:00am
- Realize that you don't know where camp is...
NOON
- Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15pm
- Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20pm
- Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30pm
- Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45pm
- RESCUED!!
12:55pm
- Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00pm
- Arrive back at camp.
3:30pm
- Leave camp to kill deer
4:00pm
- Return to camp for bullets.
4:01pm
- Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00pm
- Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
5:01pm
- Watch squirrel run away.
6:00pm
- Arrive back at camp, see deer grazing.
6:01pm
- Load gun.
6:02pm
- Fire gun - hit pickup.
6:05pm
- Hunting partner returns to camp dragging 8 point buck.
6:06pm
- Repress strong urge to shoot hunting partner.
6:07pm
- Fall in fire.
6:10pm
- Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15pm
- Take pickup, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25pm
- Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26pm
- Start walking.
6:30pm
-Stumble and fall, drop gun in the mud.
6:35pm
- Meet deer...
6:36pm
- Take aim...
6:37pm
- Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38pm
- Deer runs away laughing.
6:39pm
- Climb tree - bear walks by.
9:00pm
- Bear departs, fall out of tree.
MIDNIGHT
- HOME AT LAST!
Sunday
- Watch football on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces, place envelope and mail to hunting partner with very precise instructions as to what he can do with it!
?
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the husband.
"The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it."
?
The newlywed husband finally caved in to his wifes wishes to be taken on his next hunting expedition. When safely out in the woods the husband felt relatively safe in handing his bride a shotgun, setting her up in some bushes and instructing her to wait patiently and shoot any passing deer. Satisfied with his ingenuity, the husband walked off in the direction of his tree stand. He couldn't have been gone five minutes when the sound of shotgun blasts came from the direction of his lovely hunting partner. Fearing for her safety he wasted no time in running the whole way back to the sight only to find his wife holding a terrified stranger at bay with the still smoking shotgun. "Honey" he exclaimed, "what the hell are you doing"? Clearly excited his wife replied, "I just shot this here deer, and this fellow is trying to steal my prize." At this the stranger, angrily retorted, "Dammit lady you can have your deer, I just want to get my saddle off of it."
Thanks to Carlos J. Carbo
?
Two rednecks were hunting and one of them shot a deer. They started to take it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made the fur snag on the grass, making it hard to pull. Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way the fur wouldn't get snagged on the grass. The rednecks thanked the man, and he went on. After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. After a while one of the rednecks turned to the other and said,"Ya know, this is a lot easier to drag now." The other one said,"Yeah, but we sure are getting a long way away from the truck."
?
Two rednecks were climbing a winding mountain road in a rusty old pick-up truck when they saw a sign that read, BEAR LEFT. they looked at each other, turned the truck around, and went home.
Rick Gilkerson Spotsylvania, VA.
?
On the first day of deer season, my buddy and I saw, A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the second day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the third day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the fourth day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Four drive by hunters,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the fifth day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Five gut piles,
? Four drive by hunters,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the sixth day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Six piles of cigarettes,
? Five gut piles,
? Four drive by hunters,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the seventh day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Seven empty Hams cans,
? Six piles of cigarettes,
? Five gut piles,
? Four drive by hunters,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the eighth day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Eight major appliances,
? Seven empty Hams cans,
? Six piles of cigarettes,
? Five gut piles,
? Four drive by hunters,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the ninth day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Nine bull Elk standing,
? Eight major appliances,
? Seven empty Hams cans,
? Six piles of cigarettes,
? Five gut piles,
? Four drive by hunters,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the tenth day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Ten broken lawnmowers,
? Nine bull Elk standing,
? Eight major appliances,
? Seven empty Hams cans,
? Six piles of cigarettes,
? Five gut piles,
? Four drive by hunters,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the eleventh day of deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Eleven cans of spray paint,
? Ten broken lawnmowers,
? Nine bull Elk standing,
? Eight major appliances,
? Seven empty Hams cans,
? Six piles of cigarettes,
? Five gut piles,
? Four drive by hunters,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.
On the day after deer season, my buddy and I saw,
? Twelve bucks a browsing,
? Eleven cans of spray paint,
? Ten broken lawnmowers,
? Nine bull Elk standing,
? Eight major appliances,
? Seven empty Hams cans,
? Six piles of cigarettes,
? Five gut piles,
? Four drive by hunters,
? Three signs with bullet holes,
? Two couples necking,
? and A redneck in a beat-up Ford truck.

1997 1998 Copyright Andrew Hughes, All rights reserved.
Brought to you by Andys Sick Humor and DarkroomSource.com
A Couple of Bear Jokes

The First Version
Two anglers were fishing together in Grizzly country on a warm day. The day passed and both men decided to take off their shoes to wade in the river barefoot. They continued to fish that way and a little later one of them noticed a huge grizzly on the hill watching them intently. Soon the bear started running down the hill coming right for them. They both picked up their gear and shoes and started running from the bear as he continued to close in on them.
Suddenly one of the men stopped and began putting on his shoes. The other man stopped and shouted at him, "What are you doing?? Those shoes won't help you outrun that bear!"
The other man replied, "It's not the bear I have to outrun!"
-Contributed by Leonard Pond, McKean, PA

The Second Version
A father and son are playing some golf at a very remote golf course. At the first tee, they are met by the starter. The starter says, "Gentlemen, occasionally, bears wonder onto the course. Do not run, but stand still. Bears are very fast and can outrun any human."
The father and son proceed to the first hole and tee off. A while later, the father says to the son, "If you see a bear, what do you think you'll do?"
The son says, "I'm going to run like hell!"
The father then proclaims, "You'll never be able to outrun a bear."
The son retorts, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I have to outrun YOU!"
-Contributed by John Hemp, North Plainfield, NJ
Another Worthy Bear Joke


A Canadian game Officer driving down a country road saw a man with a large bear on the side of the road.
"That's a big bear you've got there," said the warden.
"Yeah, he's a real beauty," the hunter replied.
"It just so happens you shot the bear out of season, I'll have to give you a $300.00 fine and confiscate the bear."
Next year in the same place, the hunter shoots another bear. The same game warden approaches him and says, "That's a beautiful bear you have."
"Yes, and this year it's during bear game season," the hunter said proudly.
"Let me see your license."
"LICENSE??!!"
"That will cost you $300.00 and I'll have to take the bear," the warden said.
The third season, the same situation takes place. The warden approached the hunter and said, "Well, that's a beautiful bear you have there."
"Yes, and I have a hunting license, and it's the bear hunting season," said the hunter.
"Yes, you seem to be legal. Tell me, how many times did you shoot the bear?" asked the warden.
"One time."
"Then how come he has a hole in his forehead and one in each paw??"
"Well, when I shined the light in his face he covered his eyes......"
-Contributed by Larry Shinski, Snow Hill, MD
True Story #2, Submitted by Carl D. Morris from Cody, Wyoming
My six-year-old son was excited to be along with me on a deer hunt. I got him out of the pickup and all bundled up in coat and gloves to keep him warm and dug out a flourescent orange vest from under the seat. As I started putting the vest on him, he became bewildered and asked, "Why are you putting this on me??"
"Well , son," I explained, "there might be other hunters around and they might not be careful enough and maybe they'll think you're a deer, so I'm putting this on you so you won't get shot!!"
After looking back and forth from the vest to me several times he said, "But, Dad!!! A bullet would go right through this thing!!!
"Red Neck Stew"

According to a reliable source, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from a camper in Alabama:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."

-Contributed by Adam Hiller, Ohio